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Iliketoproveyouwrong
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Name: Jennie
Birthday: 11/4/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: Friends, Good Music, Great Literature, Inspiring Art, etc. My main interest: learning all I can about myself, others, and life in general.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/4/2005
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| I'm starting over in a pursuit to be a better student, a better woman, a better person...
http://howappropriate.blogspot.com
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Quickly becoming my favorite Woody Allen movie (riding just
below Annie Hall), Match Point discusses the roles chance,
fortune, and luck play in life, despite our refusals to acknowledge their
existence. No matter how hardworking you are, no matter how deserving you are
of something, no matter how justified you are theoretically, sometimes life
works against you. The past few months have revealed this harsh reality.
Yet another job fell through for Steven and I’m so
frustrated about it. I can’t believe that just last night we were talking about our
choice between two potential jobs and now it looks like, despite everything, he
might still be stuck at a job he hates. Every time we make plans for the extra
money he’d make at another job (not how we’ll spend it, but how we’ll save it for important things in the
future… a flat, school, furniture), the bottom falls out. Yes, we are grateful
for what we have: we have food and a place (each) to keep warm in the winter. But
I’m still incredibly angry right now. They made a huge mistake; they really
missed out on a dedicated and competent employee. Why must he choose between bad businesses (the said coffeehouse) or vocations we find ultimately unethical
(i.e. selling life insurance or used cars, or being a pharmaceutical rep)??? Integrity, as it
turns out, can be expensive.
The really frustrating thing is he could do anything he
wants to do. He learns quickly; he has so many skills and talents; he’s
incredibly smart… and beyond all this--he’s the hardest working person I know.
Even when he hates his job, even when his boss is a cheat and an ass, even when
the company is horrible… he goes above and beyond to make it better.
And then there’s me: I didn’t have to work through school
like he did—I didn’t have to pay rent or bills or loans. And, poof! I get into
a top program in my field; I am blessed to do what I love every day; and I have two
sources of income without so much as an application and a name-drop.
And it’s not a matter of attitude: Steven is one of the most
idealistic, naturally joyful people I know. He chooses to be positive, to give
his all. And I feel bad because he's made so many sacrifices for me. He moved to
this place where rents are ridiculously high and small businesses can barely
afford to pay their employees minimum wage; where people are forced to leave
disillusioned because nothing materialized the way they expected; where
the upper crust of American society live in splendor while the bottom-dwellers, who no longer hope for decency, grasp at survival. And somewhere in the middle, just below the poverty line,
Steven and I experience dissatisfaction while trying to hold on to our optimism
that things will be better someday… because they have to.
Perhaps my own disillusionment makes up the greater part of
my frustration: my entire life, especially at school, I was told, “If you do
your work, if you apply yourself, there is nothing beyond your grasp.” I was taught
the benefits of the free market society: hard work equals reward, fulfillment,
achievement. Just graduate high school--just get your degree--just do post-graduate work.... that "wonderful job" that you've been told in within your reach is always just one more step away. The truth? It has comparatively less to do with your merit, with
your dedication or character and more to do with influence, with networking,
than many care to admit. I’m beginning to realize justice is what you make it and
getting what you deserve is just a matter of perception. More than merit, more
than hardwork, more than tenacity… so much of life is left to chance.
Thanks to my good ol’ Christian upbringing, I believed that
if Steven put in the work he’d reap the benefits. And this leads me to question
what I was taught about the poor, the homeless: the whole notion that “if they’d
just make an effort, get a job, they wouldn’t be in their position,” as though they all choose to be there, to live like that. People
who believe in capitalism and the power of a free market society advocate such
ideas, but people who believe in God should know better. It rains on the upright
and the unrighteous, on the wealthy and the destitute, on the deserving and the
contemptible. The wicked go unpunished; the righteous go unrewarded. Whether it’s
a result of the Fall (thanks once again, Eve) or the result of our inability to
understand God’s role, life is indeed unfair. And every time I’m reminded of
that, no matter how many times I’ve encountered it before, I’m confused and
angry. This time, though, my anger is not directed towards God, but towards our government, our culture, ourselves.
For sanity’s sake, we’ll just have to keep telling ourselves
this isn’t permanent. And in the mean time, we are incredibly blessed--living in a
location that offers perspective; surrounded by friends and family (near and far) who remain
sources of support and comfort in tangible ways of indeterminable value; empowered immeasurably by music and art; and grounded in a faith
in something (rather, someone) that we know is there though often unseen. So I guess there’s always that.
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| WARNING: This post is serious. I make few (if any) jokes. So, if you feel like being entertained, spare yourself from the unending sentimentality that follows. I mostly wrote this for self documentation (that's one of the functions of a blog, right?).
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With the end of my first semester in grad school coinciding with the end of 2006, I feel it would be appropriate to reflect upon a few things I've learned. For organization's sake (and to prevent rambling), I'll enumerate the most important ones, from the concrete to the more abstract:
1. When the semester's over and all the papers are turned in, I realize
how fulfilled I feel by what I'm studying. No matter how stressed or
inadequate I felt at times, when it was all "said and done,"I felt entirely satisfied.
Additionally, when you love what you're doing, the hours,
days, and weeks melt away. Don't get me wrong, I definitely felt
overwhelmed at times (I still can't believe how much I learned about music in one
semester). But it was the first time in my memory when I
didn't dread waking up and getting straight to work. Alright, to be
fair, I've never hated school (with few exceptions--i.e. gym days). But
I've never felt more grateful for education, for work, for books... you
get the idea.
2. I don't have to know everything, and I don't need to compare myself so much to others--it will only lead to either discouragement or pretension (clearly neither of which is desirable). Instead, I need to focus on maintaining my passion for knowledge and reason. I also realized this year that scholarship, while it has it's place, is only a penultimate goal for me; fame in my field is certainly not my motivation. I'd rather have the ability empower, encourage, and inspire others to care about education, art, and people.
3. Life adjustments and growing pains are so much more bearable (better yet, joyful) when you have a group of friends who are experiencing--or have experienced before--the same frustrations, struggles, and successes. I am especially grateful for Steven. He especially keeps me grounded and calm, balancing out my anxious nature, offering stability and perspective when I feel the most disoriented. He reminds me every day to find joy and gratitude in that I know what I want and I'm able to do it.
4. I can't expect people, things, or places to provide completeness. One thing (of many) that I learned from my grandfather's life was how responsible we each are for our own happiness, how each perspective (for better or for worse) is a conscious choice. Things were not easy this year by any means... but learning to choose to let go of fear and embrace instead hope is more valuable still than anything I learned in the classroom or in any book.
5. The importance of listening to people and respecting their ideas has especially exhibited itself this year. I learned about the young single mother who pays the bills by waitressing, a position which is often degradingly treated as one meant for second-class citizens; about the grad student who takes on three jobs and hardly sleeps just so she can have the opportunity to learn; about the teacher who comes home every night feeling disillusioned thanks to her students' (and their parents') apathy, but continues to go to work every morning determined to make a difference; about the sibling who supports his brother's right to marry the man he loves; about the woman who feels financially forced to have an abortion; about the "liberal" who grows more and more frustrated at the growth of hypocrisy, greed, and ignorance in religion and politics; and about the "conservative" who struggles daily to understand the loss of moral values in politics and society at large. All in all, it's necessitated a recognition of the ever-widening gap between the economy and the environment, the socially accepted and the outcast, the old and young, the rich and poor, and the ever-diminishing distinction between truth and deceit, benefit and harm, right and wrong.
6. I've acquired an increasing appreciation for artistic beauty and expression, for thought and self-realization... this typically manifests itself in the frequency with which I watch movies, read, listen to music, and go to museums.
Although there are still a few weeks left for 2006 to leave an impression, I think I'm going to count the conclusion of my first graduate semester as a larger event. Even still, I look forward to what 2007 will bring, be it devastation or celebration... or both.
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| I've been thinking about gender roles a lot lately; reasons include 1) the fact that I'm in a serious relationship which causes me to ponder about such things; 2) a Sunday night bible study I attend that is currently discussing various hermeneutical approaches to determining the Bible's (and God's) plan, mandate, laws (what-have-you) regarding gender issues (women's roles and biblical position on homosexuality... it may not be what you think); and 3) stirring conversations, whether formal (in graduate seminar/class structure) or casual (among friends).
So all of these things have been beginning to culminate (rather slowly I might add) into something slightly relevant and meaningful recently. Tonight I briefly heard a radio program that talked about why women are attracted to the "bad boy rebellious" type: the pushy jerk, the opinionated chauvinist, the patriarch. To be honest, this show was kind of, well, a little silly... one of those late night relationship seminars where whiny women call in desperately looking for the path to "Mr. Right". And the ten or so minutes I heard while in route from the house to the pizza place and back brought all the swimming thoughts from the back of my mind to conscious fruition: women are in many ways ashamed, afraid, and bewildered by the thought of "equality". Enter: the proverbial boss-man to appropriately balance the scales of our guilt.
The idea of being "nice" at all costs is...well, costly. I (and many other women especially) have been taught to never offend, never hurt feelings, never express struggles, dislikes, or other "ugliness". Make attempts to refrain from complaining, and bear all frustrations with a smile (and you might as well try to look good while doing it... make-up wouldn't hurt, girls!). Not all of this is out in the open. And, despite my subconscious telling me otherwise, I openly complain... a lot. But deep down, there remains a line that I will not cross. Does this make sense?
Evidence of social (communicative) inequality: Men often get away with being brash in situations where a woman never would. We expect more from her... she's supposed to be more polite. But guys are social mongers, how much can we honestly expect from them when it comes to social graces? I know, I know... some of you might be clamoring, "blatant generalizations! shame on you!"... but, wouldn't you agree that for a number of social reasons, men are often excused from coming across as rude, crass, or acidic? Even if we pretend to be appalled by his behavior, he's still caught our attention, made us a little curious. And, in extreme cases, he's praised for his honesty, his sincerity, his integrity!
If you think that I'm arguing for men to be more polite or tactful, you're missing the point (or perhaps I'm miscommunicating it). I'll expand further. Women tend to make more passive statements (I guess, I feel, It seems as though, maybe, perhaps, kind of... you get the idea). My belief is that this stems from that underlying idea that's been branded into our cognitive processes and social behaviors (carried down from past generations): don't make mistakes, don't offend, and above all, be nice. So we condition our words to be less aggressive and more "kind", when occasionally what we are trying to communicate is neither passive nor nice (and shouldn't have to be).
Back to the radio program... there appears to be an added repulsion towards any male who is nicer than we (women) are, who will allow us to walk all over him, who refuses to take charge. Whether it takes shape in the bedroom or in our everyday life, many women simply don't want a weak boy... they want a "man". Some think that just because they don't want a guy that acts like a child, that must mean they want one that resembles a father... in a sense. In actuality, what we should be looking for is just another person who has his own talents, thoughts, and feelings and isn't afraid of expressing them, no matter the cost. And he allows us the same courtesy... no need for sugarcoating or niceties. Just candid, frank, genuine communication. And if it's caustic... well, each side can work on that as they see fit. But being "nice" is no longer necessary... it's a casualty.
When it comes to social equality (don't even get me started on equality within the church), we don't really understand it. Take me for example. I think that I am involved in a seriously egalitarian relationship (Steven jokes it's a strong-matriarchy, but if you really knew our relationship, you'd know that's definitely not the case). I can't even begin to recall all the instances in which I thought it best to stay quiet (and yes, there have been many times!), or even worse, I kicked myself for not keeping my thoughts to myself. I was mean... I was too honest, I expressed too much. And when it comes to making decisions (big or small), I occasionally ask Steven to make them... not because he's the "man" mind you, but because I don't want to face the consequences if I make a wrong one. I want to be the child. And, to my chagrin, he refuses to have anything to do with that (one of the many reasons I like him).
On a somewhat similar note (perhaps for a later discussion):
Sometimes women defer authority or power or whatever because it is necessary for some sort of "social order". Therefore, if relationships were truly egalitarian then chaos would inevitably follow. But, primogeniture is no longer socially acceptable, and order remains intact. I think authority based upon one's gender is just as arbitrary as that which is based upon one's birth-order. If power or leadership was based upon merit, not gender, I believe social structures and values would surprisingly not decay (be it the workplace, family, or church). I would go so far as to assert that the likelihood of power abuse within a family or congregation would be greatly lessened.
With the mid-term elections coming to a close tonight, the questions of how sexual orientation fits into this equation (gender equality) are also burning within me. I have to be honest (and I can be, because it's my blog), legally banning gay marriage sickens me. But that's another issue for another night...
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Just for clarification: (Steven pointed out that I should explain some of the terms I used since some may not know what I mean by them... and being the good woman I am, I took his advice... haha)
hard-matriachry: the female is the boss (has the power, is the leader, makes the decisions, etc.), the male practices an entirely submissive role ("hard-patriarchy" would obviously imply a reversal of these roles)
egalitarian: the female and male are considered equals (they make decisions together, respect one another, etc.). One may choose to "submit" or defer authority/leadership depending on the circumstance, but leader/follower positions are not automatically accepted based on gender
primogeniture: (prevalent in many ancient civilizations, such as that of the Old Testament Hebrews) firstborn receives authority, privilege, respect, and inheritance based on birth-order. Obviously this is no longer a social (or legal) mandate in our culture... all siblings are generally created equal (despite whatever parental favoritism you may or may not have experienced).
If I've misused a word or the meaning is unclear, please ask.
***Additional note: Every time I read this, I edit it. I apologize for the numerous misspellings, mistakes, and general incoherency this blurp exerts. I write rather quickly... a habit I should definitely change if I want my ideas to be taken seriously.
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| I have decided to no longer be afraid. For too long have I lived in fear, whether awake or asleep, whether successful or lost. I'm so afraid of failure, of finding out I'm not smart, not talented, not liked, not worth anything this life says I must be worth. If I think about it, I've given up on so much just out of fear. There is no way to begin a comprehensive inventory of my cowardly actions, words, or thoughts... they define my life, and what's worse, they have come to define me. I hardly ever tell people what I'm actually thinking (too honest); I don't attempting anything that I might be bad at (too embarrassing). I protect myself in all things: no trusting, no hope, no faith. I'm too afraid to actually have a relationship with God, for one thing. I'm frightened of actually wanting and going after anything that's worth having (adventure, enlightenment, growth, love).
And when I reflect on all of this... you want to know the most obvious part? That is all has to do with ME. I mean, look at the above paragraph. Almost every sentence begins with "I". That's all fear really is. It's being so consumed with how you look to others, how worthy you are to family, friends, enemies, God. You never actually become anything. You're stagnant, unchanging... an alone, miserable, empty ghost of a person made up of nothing but walls and demons. Too overcome with fear to leave the darkness because you don't want to see what the light might reveal. You might be ugly, unlovable, unintelligent, untalented... worthless. Some people wake up every morning and struggle with alcoholism, drug addiction, impurity, greed, pride... my basic urge, my most primal addiction is fear. I will fight with it perhaps throughout the entirety of my days.
And I'll start with finishing my masters. You might find this funny because it's only the second week of classes... but there have already been moments when the fear of mediocrity has slapped me in the face and made me question my worthiness. And when I'm the most honest with myself, I discover that I'm simply a coward. I didn't pursue so many things that I might have loved, that I did love, because of the demons I continued to listen every moment. I've known about my struggle, and I never wanted to confess the absolute consumption, the power, that it's had on my life... on my relationships, on my desires, on my dreams, on my view of myself.
I have to write these things down so that in some way, it's a way of holding myself accountable. I will wake up every morning, no longer shaking and sweating from the nightmares that haunt my tumultuous nights, but telling myself that I can do this. That it no longer matters if I'm not the best, or if I'm the absolute worst. So what if I can't know everything, if I can't do everything? At least I can say that I tried, that I poured my heart into it with no doubts or qualms... or fears.
I will:
--Allow myself to entirely love another human being, even if it makes me look foolish or reckless (God's love is the most reckless kind of love I know, so it must be okay)
--Speak up in class or general conversation even if I'm not entirely sure of the validity of my question or comment
--Allow myself to have fun, to let it all out and not worry about how silly I might look to others
--Get a B... maybe even a C if I feel like it, and still feel successful
--Write and say what I think or feel, whether people agree or not, like it or not
--Ask the stupid questions
--Be stupid and not try to hide it anymore with deceitful nods of recognition or vague formulated responses
--No longer expect so much from myself... only to do and be what I love, what's important to me
--Try to believe that God is not ashamed or disappointed in me... and I will choose to believe this whether I "feel" his presence in my life or not
--Choose and make decisions whole-heartedly and no longer be a victim of circumstance or act as if I'm a serf under some terrible tyrant. I am me and I'm fully responsible for my words and actions. No more blaming or making excuses. If I made a mistake, it's all me.
--Push myself to do the right thing, no matter how I feel
--Think about others, I mean really think about others (not just be concerned about what's ultimately in it for me)
--Not apologize for meaningless things (in other words, I won't make emphasize or focus on the nonessential)
That seems like a lot of change to undertake. But I'm not afraid. I'm really not.
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